Trust Fall

“Yeah,” I said. “I’m all in. This will be fun,” I said. But that was before I realized that paranormal investigating wasn’t just about cameras and recorders.  Sure, they are important tools but the most significant tool in an investigators arsenal is their intuition and that’s just a little too personal for my comfort.

Hi all, I’m Jean and you will usually find me on the administrative side of SPARC. I am not really an investigator. I don’t really know how to use any of the equipment, don’t carry cameras or recorders around, and don’t listen on the ghost box. I understand the theories and know the common practices. I just don’t do it. When we are teaching a class, I can chime in with definitions, explanations, even stories. The truth is - I am actually not “all In.” I lied.

I am present during most investigations with our team, but I don’t really contribute. I observe and report. I knowingly and consciously keep my mind and emotions shut down, closed off, locked down and sealed. I do not want any “messages” or “visits” from the other side. This concept has always made me, not just a little but, extraordinarily uncomfortable. 

One afternoon, shortly after a good friend’s mother passed, I was sitting quietly on my couch. I find myself thinking of Charlotte. Odd. The spider? I have kids. I know the story. Then I begin feeling that I need to encourage my friend to go ahead with her plans. Okay. She had some significant things going on in her life and now her mother just died. Not so strange that I am thinking of her, right? I assume these two thoughts are totally disconnected and independent of each other, even though my friend’s mother was named Charlotte. Hmmm…

Charlotte was a soft, gentle, friendly person. I was very comfortable with her – in life. Sitting safely in my own house, I guess I didn’t have Fort Knox all locked up and she slid right in, letting me know she was there. It was a day or two before I even mentioned this to anyone. Finally, I shared this story with Patrick. With his characteristic, nonchalance he said, “Did you tell Grace (my friend)?” Why would I tell her? It never occurred to me that this was a message for her. I always assume that I am matrixing, meaning I attach a significance to something when it isn’t really true. 

He made me recount the whole event, which probably only took minutes to happen. He pointed out that Charlotte knew about our ghost hunting adventures so she knew I would listen and she knew I cared enough about her daughter to share this information with her. 

This is where the trust issue comes into play. I had to learn to trust my own intuition. As a parent, I got that down. I rarely questioned my gut instinct when it came to my children. Apparently, that particular skill did not carry over for me. I questioned every instinct when it came to the spiritual side of things.

When I told my friend about this, we cried and laughed about it. She was grateful for the message. 

Since that time, I have occasionally gotten messages like that. Although I try a little bit more these days, I still don’t open up very easily. I am not doing a great job at trusting myself yet. If you could slo-mo trust fall, I’m still falling.